We All Have Tough Days
Sunday 19th February 2017
A few weeks ago, I started watching the film The Guardians of the Galaxy. Now if you've seen it you'll probably know that I'm going to say the first scene upset me. For those of you who don't know what I'm going on about, it starts with a young boy in hospital visiting his mum. She is at the end of her life and whilst he is there, she dies. (He then gets abducted and taken to another planet, although that part has no bearing on my story. The real story yes, very much so, but not mine!)
Now this is something that would probably be sad to a lot of people, and so it was no big surprise that I cried, but it didn't end there. I was incredibly upset and even angry for the first hour of the film – until we paused it because I just couldn’t watch it. My mind was not on the film anymore it was on my situation and it was the completely dramatized version of my life. I burst in to tears. Truth is it felt too close to home. I've often worried about dying since finding out I had a tumour growing at the base of my brain.
Over the years there has been times that I've been all consumed by it and it’s been debilitating. Sometimes I’ve ignored it, unsuccessfully I might add, and sometimes not one small part of me thought I’d ever be able to live my life. Then there’s been other times that I’ve worked on it, moved passed it and rather than being a major part of life that has a big impact, it’s an afterthought and one that I don’t often have.
However, just as our son turned 2 years old, the tumour had been picked up on a scan again and was growing back. We were devastated. Even though I knew brain scans would be a part of my life for life, and therefore they we looking for regrowth, it was a massive shock that it had grown. The second time around it was all that bit worse. I was a mum and a wife this time around. And my biggest fear was that I'd die and not see my son grow up. (Don’t worry this picks up I promise!)
When I started life coaching things took a major turn for the better. I started to focus on what I can control and what I want to do in my life. After all, no amount of worry or fear about the future would do anything but leave me feeling worried and fearful! And how could that allow me to do anything in life? Now, I’m choosing to focus on my future and shaping it how I want and I’m a much more positive and a happier person because of it.
Even though this doesn't affect me a tenth of what it used too there's still the potential for it to trip me up. I still have moments even though it's a million times better overall. But now they’re fleeting, and I know how to bring myself round instead of getting stuck in it like quick sand. It just so happened the day I watched the film was the day I went in hospital for my routine blood tests which monitor the tumour. And the day I happened to tell someone about it for the first time and subsequently relived it. So, it was on my mind a lot more than usual and it was the more difficult parts I was thinking about.
It's not about worrying myself that I’m not as in control of it as I thought, or beating myself up for letting it get to me. It's seeing it for what it is - a one off. A day things aren't so great, and I won’t allow it become more than that. I just need to invest a little more self-care on those days and remember that I am in control of the effect it has on me.
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